I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
