Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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