oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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