My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
