Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
