Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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