i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
