tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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