mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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