i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I need to stop coming to work sober
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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