I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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