I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize