I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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