You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
