Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
