Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
