I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
