have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
