listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
