i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
