So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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