If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
