Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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