piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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