There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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