i will never coherently bang her
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
