Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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