Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
