My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
