So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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