i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize