she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
