Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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