I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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