Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
