hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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