I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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