i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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