when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
