Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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