i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
