I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
