My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
