Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
