Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
