remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
