you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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