She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She's the barista slut.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
