Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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