I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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