Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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