Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
