you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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