I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The air was thick with penises
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
