Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize