Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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