i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
wanna go halves on a baby?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
