I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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