update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
