Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Terrible idea I love it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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