Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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