dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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