i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
