whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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