my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
