i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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