were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
